She was the one thing I did right in life. You see, I’m a person made up of fuck ups and flaws. I almost never do anything right but she, she was the one thing I did right. The one right person that I fell in love with, the one right thing that I fought for. I remember summer days along her side. I remember her scent and how inhaling it felt like coming home after being away for months. I had winter days with her in my bed and we’d talk as the rain hit dusty pavements. She was the one thing I did right. I had days when I just needed to cry and without judgment she would hold me in her arms. I remember losing her and how I told myself I’d fight for her, how one day we’d come back into each other’s lives and we’d fall in love again. I remember yesterday, and how I felt like me again. I can’t recall the broken promises, the lies, and the years she spent in the arms of another man. I just remember yesterday and how I knew she was the one thing I did right. I remember 4am passionate kisses as she pulled me in and my arms perfectly laid on her hips. I remember blistered feet from dancing all night against her body; I’m not much of a dancer but for her I’d dance ballets. I remember wrestling fights and piggy back rides, hand holding, and tickle wars. She was the one thing I did right because I remember car rides and how she’d nod her head back and forth to our favorite songs and I couldn’t help but smile as I stared at her. I remember the shape of her body, every curve, every bone, every wrinkle, and how she curled up by my side. I remember how she would rub my back because that was her way of saying “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.” I remember her “I love yous,” and her “please don’t go.” She was the one thing I did right in my life because I remember her. There isn’t a day when she does not cross my mind; there isn’t a day when I don’t wonder if she’s okay. I remember her laugh and her shaky voice when she had the lump of fear in her throat. I remember yesterday, and how I felt. She was the one thing I did right in my life but today is a new day and I swear I search, and search, and search for her. They say I need to learn to let go, they say that everyone goes through heartache. But it’s hard to breathe at night and anything anyone says are just mumbled background sounds because her voice is all I hear in my head. I want her back because she was the one thing I did right in life but all that doesn’t matter because to her I was just another mistake, another fuck up, a bump in the road, another memory in her life.
And if you call me at 4 am, too sad to even say hello, I will listen to your silence until you fall asleep. If you need to cry I will not wipe your tears away because you are only human and sometimes tears are as close to laughter as you can get and that’s okay. If you get sleepy I will let you drool on my arm and I won’t laugh at you if you snore too loud. If you need to yell so hard that your voice cracks and your knees fail I will hold you up and yell with you. If you get so angry you punch your hands red I will ice your knuckles and tell you that wounds heal both inside and out, and just like the cold that is harsh and burning, I will always be the warmth to soothe you and make you feel better. I will love you.
What I’ve Learned:
1. A girl can lose feelings for you over night.
2. A kiss can be just that, a kiss. Completely meaningless.
3. Love can be one sided but I still wonder if that is love at all
4. Never beg for someone to stay or to love you. You shouldn’t have to beg for someone to be a part of your life or to love you. You deserve better than that.
5. Stop breaking your ribs to make space for those who do not belong there.
6. Learning to breathe again is harder than the doctors said it would be.
7. I don’t know what hurts more at night; being alone or being in love.
8. Laying with someone in bed at night is temporary. It won’t get rid of the lonely. You will still wake up and leave in the morning with a heavy heart and no hand to hold.
9. Sometimes the sky rains gasoline instead of water and you have to be strong enough and ignore the urge to set yourself on fire.
10. I will be okay someday. Bad things happen for no reason sometimes and things end but that shouldn’t mean you should come to an end too. The ocean will always have waves; I just have to learn to swim through them for a bit longer.
11. The stretch marks I left on my mother from birth will not be another suicide letter I never finished.
Three years later, a new girl sits cross-legged on your bed.
She tastes like a different flavor of bubblegum than you are used to.
She opens up a book that you had to read in high school, and a folded picture of us falls out of chapter three.
Now there are two unfinished stories resting in her lap.
Inevitably, she asks, and you tell her.
You say: I dated her a while back.
You don’t say: Sometimes, when I’m holding you, I imagine the smell of her vanilla perfume.
You say: She was younger than me.
You don’t say: The sixteen summers in her bones warmed the eighteen winters my skin had weathered.
You say: It’s nothing now.
You don’t say: But it was everything then.
I’m so sorry
I never meant for things to turn out like this
You probably hate me now
That’s okay, I hate me too
I never planned on leaving
It wasn’t easy for me to do
Though I doubt you truthfully care
But I couldn’t handle it anymore
Being around you was starting to hurt
And you have this way of getting inside my head
And I know that’s not your fault
And I’m sorry
But I couldn’t do it anymore
I never wanted you to hate me
But I guess if its that easy for you to see me as a bitch after everything
Then maybe you never really did care at all
I’m sorry for being this person
I never meant to be like this
I wish I could change
And I wish I was better at explaining myself
But all I can say now is that I really am sorry
Even if I shouldn’t be
And I still miss you even if I don’t want you in my life
Do you ever just think about the way things used to be when everything was simple and I was happy and the only problem that ever existed was that I missed you when you took some time to text me back. Because I do and I miss who I used to be and I miss the way we used to be and I miss our first kiss and I miss those pictures we took together and I miss talking to you late at night and I miss the goodmorning and goodnight texts because I don’t get those from you anymore and I miss holding your hands at school in front of your friends and you never didn’t let me and I miss wearing your jacket and never wanting to give it back and I miss when you’d let me talk about my stupid problems even if I annoyed you and I miss how happy you made me because lately I don’t know what happy is and I really just miss being with you and never thinking it would end and I miss feeling like everything was great and I miss you I miss you so much and I don’t know what to do anymore.